Know I’m supposed to save up

But I got a call from an empty cup

And that 30 dollar bottle of jack

Can really bring me back

Sure this morning I feel like crap

And my stomach is under attack 

A long story but it’s a good one I promise 

 It was the early 2000s I had plans, big plans, no, HUGE plans! I was in a band. I was starting a pro wrestling career. I was LA bound. And even planned on heading to Japan. I wore more makeup than any girl I’ve known. But I’m a guy. I was different, certainly.

 Calling girls doll because I couldn’t keep track of all their names. Don’t get me wrong I had some really good friends but there were definitely some poison friends. I had been recognized in malls and public places by people I had never met before. They didn’t know the real me. They knew my alias and my makeup. I even signed a couple of autographs, for being a nobody?!?!?

 I don’t know I was lucky I guess or I thought I was at least. But I was cursed I wasn’t seeing the bigger picture, I wasn’t planning on tomorrow. In fact I wasn’t on planning on living this long. I was a boy that felt abandoned by his mother and felt the need to have a bunch of females in his life. My social life was more important than my next meal. And when I did have just one girl, well lets be honest there wasn’t just one girl. 

 Until 2007 when I met Mary. She was the most beautiful blonde haired green eyed girl I’d ever seen. She dropped my jaw. She had it all. Every shirt she wore more flattering than the one before. We were teenagers smoking cigarettes listening to our favorite emo bands in an upstairs bedroom by the park. I couldn’t believe it, this one girl, was everything I needed, everything I wanted. I suddenly did not have the need for that metaphorical little black book. No need to call up one girl cause she’ll listen or another girl cause she’s a good “kisser”. I had severed all of my ties because being around people who knew who I was would allow the old me to climb out and mess up. Mary had me at hello.

 Sure me being the total douche bag I was I stole her from one of my best friends. Since we became us, she’s supported everything I’ve set out to do. She is even the reason I had the strength to reconcile with my mother. I own my own business. Like a legit business. My eyes were opened and my dreams had become her. And anything I can do with her. It’s been 10 years! Not off and on but literally 10 years strong! There isn’t much that we haven’t been through together. Why am I so lucky? I was a total jerk in my past. I would like to think I’m being gifted for giving up those bad habits. Maybe we control our own fate by the good decisions we make. Maybe you just have to be confident and believe. It’s never too late to turn around even if means it’s just a little further of a ride. I never been to LA or Japan, still live in Ohio. But Mary and I went to Detroit, and I got down on one knee by the river. And that was one of the greatest moments of my life.

Black and blue 

Black and blue 

But you couldn’t take me down

Now matter what you do

Black or white

Put em up

If you really want to fight
I’ve had enough 

So you think you’re tough

Go ahead with all your might 

I won’t say goodnight
See I took a cheap shot in the eye

By a drifter passing by

He put his hands around my fathers neck

To his mouth my fists of where I’d direct 

Left him drooling through his teeth 

As I threw his ass in the street 
Don’t care how big or how tall

I guarantee you’re gonna fall

Maybe I mishandled you

Bet your ass that I handled you

Parthious One

I can do so much, too much, but it’s never enough. The difference that I’ve made and I still can’t be saved. “The future is bullet proof” but the future is inevitable. Feeling like I’m facing doom. All I need is time for success. And a little rest maybe I’m just tired. And hard wired. Sometimes I short out and my head fills up with so much doubt. And all the negativity, I want it out. In a world with so many misunderstandings I can see now that we are all trying to survive in our own way. 

Killing you is a hazard to my health

Hate me cause I hate you to

And all the bullshit you do

Can’t you see I’m making a difference 

And I don’t need your ignorance 

To everyone and anyone that wants to bring me down

I’ll be laughing like a mother Fucking clown
It’s apparent to me

That apparently 

You’re an asshole

With no self control
It’s apparent to me

That apparently 

I’m an asshole 

With no self control 
Reading what I wrote 

Sounds like a joke

Looks like a letter to myself

Killing you is a hazard to my health 


Wasn’t supposed to be here this long

Going too well something must go wrong

Waiting in anticipation 

Avoiding the realization 

I’m stuck here for a while

Living just isn’t my style 
I don’t need you to die with me

Never ask you to fly with me

I’ll never wear angels wings

But you’ll remember the better things

So I’ll take this barrowed time and do something useful 

Because girl you are just too beautiful 
Maybe I’ll never die 

But by the look in your eye

My feelings must be a lie

Because I’m falling from the sky
Wasn’t supposed to be here this long

But I guess that I had it all wrong

Waiting in anticipation 

Living the realization 

You are mine for a while

And you are my style

Dear World,

   Maybe the whole point of our existence is to pursue happiness. And maybe just maybe we all will do exactly that. I for one feel I am on that pursuit. I found all necessary elements to conclude said mission. Fortunately I have the love everyone desires. I was fortunate enough to develop a set of skills that allow me to provide a living for myself. I value the precious things in life such as the sights smells and feels of the ever changing landscape we know as nature, or the overwhelming affection that can be expressed from a dog or a cat, the feeling you get when you see a newborn baby. I also the power it takes to bite your tongue and work towards the greater good. Even if every voice in your head is telling you to snap. And do whatever it takes to keep a family together rather you have to sacrifice your body and blood to help them out when they’re in need. 
   I have failed a lot in this life of mine. In school. In sports. But I have not failed in life. I have had the privilege to accomplish so many of my dreams. And I am still dreaming. Never let anyone tell you that you can’t, because you can! Pursue your happiness. Chase your dreams!


Matthew Carl Anselmo